Monday, May 6, 2013

I'm gonna love the morphine...

I don’t talk to anyone about it. If I could’ve gotten away with keeping it secret, I’d’ve just said I was going to the coast for a couple days. But I don’t live alone, and a medical transport vehicle outside my home wouldn’t go unnoticed. It’s nobody’s damn business, of course. So why do I share it in a blog? Because it’s a place few of my family members know about. Besides, a hysterectomy is so common, and shared by so many, that hiding it will just turn it into a thing. 

I’ve got a great surgeon who’s done a number of them. So, no biggie. The incredible part is, I wouldn’t have known that I needed to have it done.  A 44 y/o, single-n-childfree woman doesn’t get as hounded about her health, apparently. So yah, I came up with the ‘time-to-go-see-your-Doc’ idea all by myself—for the probing, mashing, squashing, “Do you have any questions?” appointment we ladies all keep.

I thought the mildly blundered Pap smear was because I tensed up. (I’d had a venti mocha Frappuccino earlier that day, and it occurred to me while I was in the stirrups that my bladder may fail me at an inconvenient moment)

But when your Doc expresses concern, you do what she says. So, you go to a referred specialist, where things can be made much clearer. And, there’s no room for mystery when I’m told that I’ve been carrying around a uterine fibroid tumor the size of honeydew melon, and that a sub-total hysterectomy will cure my ills.

So, why don’t I want to tell people who are supposed to know me best? Because, much as I love them, I’ll still roll my eyes when they’ll comment on the one thing they knew I never cared about for the past 20+ years.
“You do know, if you have that done, you won’t be able to have kids, right?” 

I have it done? As if it’s as elective as a boob-job. And, by the way, medical science has taught us that for every year after the age of 35, a woman’s chances of giving birth to a child with special needs is far greater. The crazy part is, I still hear of women my age having babies.

So, though I’ll sound loony, my opinion of well-meaning peoples comments of my impending barrenness is, if you don’t know what to say, get creative. I’d prefer comedy over condolences. Tell me that having a hysterectomy will up my keyboarding speed. (Then, maybe I’ll have a shot at that office-job)

So far, only one kindred-spirit I’ve told has joked with me about it; she's had the same procedure, so she strongly suggested I ask my surgeon to weigh the tumor, once it’s removed.

“Then you’ll know instantly how much weight you lost. That’s a great recovery attitude.”  She laughed. Apparently, her tumor’s size was similar to how mine is now. She lost 3.7 lbs.

Recovery at home will be fun; I’ve already been promised that no bullshit will cross my path. And I’ve assured the few people who’re in-the-know that my demeanor will be far merrier, should I be plied with bakery-goods and great coffee.


  1. What is a "sub-total" hysterectomy? And what is it about a fibroid mass that makes one necessary? Is the mass also being removed?

    1. I guess Googling this info makes you squeamish?
      A sub-total (or subtotal...potatoes, potah-toes)hysterectomy is a partial or supracervical hysterectomy. It's a removal of the uterus, but the cervix remains intact. (A total hysterectomy is removal of the uterus and cervix) My surgeon may also remove some tissue. (fallopian tubes or ovaries)
      As for my uterine fibroid mass, it's a benign tumor that's unnecessary to keep. My doc says I could live with it, but she's recommending I have it removed, as it's possible it could cause me problems at a later time.
      She understands my childfree choice, so she knows I won't be a blubbering mass of "Why didn't I have kids when I had the chance?" later. :D
      Hope this answers your questions. :)

    2. Of all the reasons I didn't google it, the one I will mention here is that I preferred to get into a direct dialog with someone going through it, as it has relevance to someone close to me and I am burned out on dealing with big issues via static web pages. Thanks for the info, very helpful. If you blog more about it, I am wondering about your doctor's deciding factors on what stuff, other than the uterus, to remove (especially the ovaries).

    3. I forgot to add the 'LOL' so that I wouldn't come across as flippant about my approaching hospitalization.
      I tend to Google just about everything, especially if it's about something I need the most factual details on.(Which I look up the .edu, and .org sites for)
      I will be writing about it again, after I've gone through it, barring any particularly personal info.
      Right now, from the medical imaging that my surgeon has observed, it's scheduled to be a subtotal procedure. But it could evolve from that, depending on what she's told me.
      Can't say more than that. :)

  2. HAHAHAHA. Awesome. If I saw that in a parking lot I would make sure to cheer on the driver. :)

    1. I've seen a couple like this. One with a couple, and a single. I SOOOOO need a sticker like this. I wonder if I can get one at Car Toys?? lol!