Sunday, March 6, 2016

Fear and Loathing in Wilsonville

     How can you feel happily creative, or be optimistic about the near future, when everything seems to frequently fail around you? When you’ve had three jobs in two years? How can a person not feel like the gong of impending lay-off/termination isn’t about to be struck, when you show up to work everyday with that knowing that you’re in over your head?

     So is my reality. I absorb knowledge, hang on to what I’ve learned…and then the proverbial goalpost is moved further away. The phrase, ‘Fake it til you make it’ has kept me treading water for the last six weeks. My skill set has never been very impressive. Or, maybe it is, but just not weighed as useful.

     We’ve all known that feeling that, surely, everyone else in the room was smarter than us. We can even feel (or perhaps imagine) the sense of eye-rolling from others. When it’s confirmed by someone in the know, you’ll ask yourself why you even bother to keep showing up. (Also, what was the person’s agenda in revealing such info?)

     Well, this Gemini will tell you. Because fuck you, that’s why. I’m here for me. For myself, my future, my desire to learn, and to understand. It may take a little more time for me to ‘get it,’ but I will. I may be the astrological sign that gets bored easily, but I’ve also got a small stubborn streak that knows I will ‘get it’ eventually, given the opportunity. That stubborn streak is the pilot light in my soul. I know I’m worth the time and learning.

     Oh, sure, there’s been many a Friday feeling that I won’t even bother showing up on Monday. ‘Course, the paycheck keeps us going, right? Naturally! Yah, that putting ‘one foot in front of the other’ ain’t just a song. You really do have to do it. Ya fake it til ya make it.

     Most Geminis will concur that we have that tactical ping-pong game going on in our decision-making.  I’ve had several mornings that started in fear, anxiety, and low self-esteem, only to be left shining with confidence at the end of the day. Then, there are those days of complete reversal.

     I dread those days.

     But, I have to keep going. Otherwise, the time invested will all be for naught. I dread that thought more. 

No comments:

Post a Comment